Talking to Kids About Sex

Parents, at some point, need to discuss sex with their children. It’s an uncomfortable topic, could be embarrassing and it’s certainly not easy, however, it’s mandatory so be prepared. I think the earlier we have “the sex talk” with our kids, the better.

Little kids, starting at around age 6 or about the time they enter first grade, will begin to be curious about where babies come from and possibly about something they’ve seen or heard in the media, at school or at home. I think it’s very important to open a dialogue with our children before the idea of sex becomes blown out of proportion or our kids hear something utterly ridiculous about sexuality from a classmate or friend.

When both my children turned six, I talked to them about sex as clearly and honestly as I felt they could comprehend. It was not a strictly clinical conversation, with big words they wouldn’t have understood or concepts they couldn’t grasp. I asked them if they wanted to know where babies come from and how and why babies are created. This got their attention. I told them exactly how a baby was created, explaining that a man planted a seed in a woman’s tummy, just like planting a seed in a garden and precisely how that occurs. I did tell them that this was something married people do to create babies and to express their love for each other. I also assured them that sex was pleasurable. They had some questions although they were mostly grossed out by the implications and there was plenty of “eeeeeeeewwwwww Mom!” flying around. I stuck with it and gave them the straight story, with the offer to explain anything and everything they might be concerned about then or any time in the future. They had interesting questions for about a week and then it was just another absorbed life lesson, which they were able to pass along to their less sexually educated friends to clear things up when one of their peers had misinformation to share with the whole class.

The sex talk is not something we will be able to avoid until our child become teenagers or when we might feel it is more appropriate. By then, our children will be experimenting with kissing and potentially more if they are desperate for information and sexual education. Our kids are typically taught a routine form of sex education in middle school or possibly as early as fifth grade where the basics of sex, reproduction and how their bodies function are explained in clinical terms. You should know that most teachers are just as uncomfortable discussing sex with your children as you are.

I think explaining sex clearly and rationally to children should happen before their minds are corrupted with imaginings of crazy sex acts explained by their less knowledgeable and shock happy peers who will be more than thrilled to tell your children all manner of stupid things in the name of sex. Please tell them the truth, the basic facts about sex and as early as possible so they are armed with the correct information about something that will become important to them sooner than we want to think about.

This is also a good time to incorporate teaching our moral values regarding sex, marriage, relationships, respect for our bodies and the bodies and feelings of others. If you’re extremely liberal and feel that everyone and anyone should be having sex whenever and wherever they feel like it, please consider taming your free spirit in the name of teaching your children a semblance of chastity and moral dignity. Likewise, if you are horrified at the idea of explaining sex to your children or have an aversion to sex, please consider having someone more comfortable with their sexuality have the sex talk with your children. Many pediatricians will be able to help with this or ask another family member of the same sex as your child to help you out.

As my children got older, I’d bring up specifics about sex that I felt they needed to understand. When my older daughter began dating in her teens, I explained that it was not in her best interests to let boys touch her breasts or do anything more than kiss. I told her the truth; that she would likely feel more emotionally involved over the encounter and the boy would probably mostly feel the need to tell every other boy in school about the episode. Because she trusted that I would always tell her the truth, she got it, was always chaste, and did not ever feel confused about what to do or not do in any romantic situation. As an almost-adult, she now has a remarkably clear-headed approach to relationships, her obligations to herself and those with whom she is involved and a healthy outlook on sex and the part it plays in adult relationships.

Your opinions, stories, input and questions are very much welcomed on this subject and I will open this discussion on my forum for all who would like to become involved, either to help other parents through this minefield of “the sex talk” or to gain insight for your own talk about sex with your children. This is one of the tough jobs we, as parents, have to face. Know that many other parents are in your position and are just as confused about how to approach this delicate subject.

Sex Offenders – School Children at Risk on Many Fronts

The recent arrest of a school bus driver in Hayfield, MN on sexual misconduct charges had wide reverberations in this town of about 1,300. About 50 people, many of them concerned parents, attended a Child Safety Community Forum at Hayfield High School. The forum was arranged because of the recent arrest of David Gerlach, a 49-year-old bus driver from Brownsdale, who is charged with several counts of sexual misconduct.

Gerlach was a bus driver for the Hayfield public schools. On July 25, Gerlach was charged in Dodge District Court with felony third-degree criminal sexual conduct and third-degree attempted sexual conduct involving a boy, who was at least sixteen at the time.

“On Aug. 1, Mower County prosecutors filed a criminal complaint against Gerlach, charging him with 12 counts of first-degree criminal sexual conduct, four counts of second-degree criminal sexual conduct and one count of first-degree burglary. The Mower County complaint alleges that Gerlach committed incidents of sexual abuse approximately between 1993 and 2001 in Brownsdale, involving a boy who was 8 when the misconduct began.”

Tori Miller, a victim advocate for the Crime Victims Resource Center in Austin, told people in the audience to “believe your kids.”

“Children don’t normally make these kinds of things up,” said Miller, one of ten panelists at the forum. “It’s very important that parents are educating their children on good touch and bad touch, what is right and what is wrong.”

Tips to keep your child safe:

o Monitor your children’s activities, including Internet use and cell phone text messages.

o Introduce yourself to your child’s bus driver.

o Be cautious of adults who are overly involved in your child’s life.

o Talk to your kids about “good touch” and “bad touch.”

o Ask questions.

o “Go with your gut.” Talk to school administrators and law enforcement officers if you suspect something is wrong.

While the tips set forth by this forum are effective, they fall short of what children need to know and exercise.

Sex offenders use acceptable touch to condition the child to feel comfortable with their interactions. Thus, when the sex offender has a sense that the child feels comfortable and trusts the interaction, he/she progresses to ‘bad touch,’ without warning. In an instant the child is sexually abused.

Children more often than not have a keener sixth sense, than adults–i.e. their sixth sense tells them–something is not right, their demeanor is slightly off, there is an undercurrent. Allowing your child to exercise their appropriate suspicion will more often than not, be a protective barrier against would-be sex offenders. If your child is uncomfortable being around a person, including, the bus driver, respect and honor your child’s sensibilities. Do what you need to do to protect your child from anyone your child is uncomfortable being around. It is far better to err on the side of caution, than to be sorry later.
Furthermore, know the signs your child is being targeted.

There is no foolproof sexual child abuse prevention, because, sex offenders are cunning predators, who have perfected their skills to get what they want. Therefore, heed and investigate any warning signals.

Warning signals include, but are not limited to:

o An aversion to an adult–even an adult whom your child knows and seemingly has been comfortable with heretofore.

o Sudden outbursts of anger toward a person, event, activity, etc. and there is no apparent reason known for such anger.

o Any unusual or unexplained behavior change.

o Not wanting to go to school on a particular day of the week–the day gym or music class is held for instance.

o Not wanting to ride the bus or be around a particular person.

o The gym teacher says your child is athletically ‘gifted’ and he or she wants to develop your child’s athletic abilities if your child practiced one-on-one after school. Never allow you child to be alone with someone who could have an ulterior motive.

The Emergence of Adult Role Playing

Roleplaying (or “RPing”) can be described as a written collaboration among people as they each control their own character and interact with the other characters to achieve some sort of objective. Written roleplay emerged from tabletop roleplaying games (RPGs) like Dungeons & Dragons and early roleplaying games. The fictional collaboration model of forum-based role playing is essentially a traditional roleplaying game without the rigid mechanic of dice and rules. Only a few residual characteristics of forum play-by-post roleplaying points back to its tabletop predecessors, and that’s mainly its turn-based format and the “Game Master” entity responsible for controlling the pace of the RP, progression, and the non-player characters and events that happen.

The adult RPing community has taken the written RP subject and narrowed it into the niche of adult themes and sexual themes. Where a conventional roleplay could involve hobbits taking a powerful ring to the summit of a volcano, adult roleplaying involves a dance of foreplay between a man and a woman before they have sex. Or it can involve a forbidden romance, a master-slave dichotomy, or any other adult theme, usually sexual in nature.

Adult roleplaying goes by various different names that mean different things to different people. The first is “erotic roleplaying” which generally refers to role playing involving sexual themes. Erotica doesn’t have to result in sex. Another way of referring to adult RPing is “mature RP” which is more indicative of a roleplay involving adults, not necessarily sex. The third semi-synonymous for adult roleplaying is “sexual roleplaying” and often refers to the act of dressing up in costumes and pretending to be someone or something else while you have sex with your partner. In the written role play community, sexual roleplaying simply means that the collaboration involves sex. Finally, “adult roleplaying” is an all-inclusive phrase that catches all of the individual roleplay subsets above.

Despite the emergence of computer roleplaying gaming, written forum-based role playing is a growing activity, even among the youth. With the increase in roleplaying interest comes the increase in interest in all of roleplaying’s subsets, including adult RP. New adult roleplaying communities start up every day, each developing unique characteristics and community attitudes of their own.

Sexual Styles Inside and Outside the Bedroom

Knowing your unique needs and the needs of your sexual partner can be very enlightening. See if you can find a little bit or a lot of yourself in each of these characters – and I am sure you will recognize an ex or a present partner in one or many of these characters. This is not about accusations and excuses but rather the realities necessary to understand the developing self and current struggles. The important thing when looking at these sexual styles is not to try to figure out which sexual type you or someone is but rather to use this knowledge to improve your sexual relationships. Pay attention to how your own sexual style and behaviour makes your partner feel about themselves and the relationship because your sexual style may be hurting your relationships..

1. The Sexual Traffic Cop

Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Traffic Cop is what we would call a typical control freak. They often feel that they were put on this earth to “put others in their place” and feel obligated to tell others what is ‘right’ and what is “wrong”. They tend to think their views, their families, relationships or career are what everyone should emulate and do not hesitate flaunting them in public for everyone to copy. They are often critical and demanding, always giving orders and making up rules. They can be very picky, impatient and judgmental; constantly giving advice, correcting or “mothering” others.

Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Sexual Traffic Cop, you will get so many directions and instructions on what he/she likes and doesn’t like. They will tell you how you should feel and respond and they may demonstrate to you how they want you to do it to them and ask you to do exactly the way they do it. You make one “wrong” move and he/she just stops and refuses to continue. The worst part is that there are so many instructions that you never seem to remember what they like or don’t like. You feel pressured, controlled and inadequate every time.

2. The Sexual Beast

Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Beast usually talks loudly – and dirty. They are the sort of people who are all over the place and are either disillusioned that others really like them or do not care if they are liked or not. They have a strong need to dominate others and to be in charge of things. They may appear very controlled but are cynical and temperamental, and easily explode into anger when their authority or intelligence is challenged. They can be very vindictive and manipulative. They aren’t necessarily angry at the opposite sex it’s just that they confuse aggression and chaos with passion and spontaneity.

Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Sexual Beast, you are not sure whether you are being loved or devoured. His/her panting, grabbing, slapping, scratching, biting, pushing, pulling and bestial noises or “dirty talk” reduces the sex act to its very basic crude level. You are left frightened, distrustful, unsatisfied and angry but not sure why.

3. The Sexual Martyr

Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Martyr lives with a victim mentality. They are always telling “poor me” stories, blaming others for everything that has happened to them. They don’t believe they are lovable or worthwhile and find it difficult to express their needs or ask for what they want. They’ve never had satisfying experiences and feel used and taken advantage of all the time.

Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Sexual Martyr you sense that “something” in not right but however much you ask, he/she will never tell. The only way they try to let you know what is happening is when you try to be intimate their first reaction is to move away a little or just lie there motionless. You sort of start getting resentful because you can’t read his/her mind and you feel guilty for not being able to figure out what is really going on.

4. The Sexual Procrastinator

Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Procrastinator avoids doing things he/she needs to do or deal with and hates being told what to do. They ask for advice, make goals and promises but never actually get to carry them out. They are usually very rational and reasonable and take themselves seriously. They can be very talkative, impressionable, sensitive and warm but feel uncomfortable about getting close to other people and often avoid these situations.

Inside the bedroom: If you ever get to have sex with a Sexual Procrastinator consider yourself one of the most patient people on earth because by the time you get to actually have sex with this character, you’ll have heard all kinds of logical explanations as to how the mood, timing and the place is just not right. But even during sex, they will find little problems to interrupt or force you to stop. You are left feeling controlled, neglected, desperate and angry.

5. The Sexual Glutton

Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Glutton is a professional at enjoying him/herself. Sexual Gluttons have low tolerance to pain or suffering and are often prone to addictive behaviours. They usually seek out adult toys to play with and when they find something that gives them pleasure; food, alcohol, drugs etc. they get completely lost in sensation oblivious of the people and everything around them.

Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Sexual Glutton you get the feeling you are just a toy for their pleasure. If you try to change what you are doing to give them pleasure, they motion for you to keep going, paying no attention whatsoever to your feelings. While you feel “high and dry” he/she is in his/her pleasure world. You are left feeling left out, unimportant, unloved and angry at being used.

6. The Sexual Performer

Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Performer is wildly enthusiastic about everything. Everything and everyone is always fantastic, wonderful, amazing, fabulous, great, brilliant etc. When you meet this character you are almost sure he/she is the most passionate person you’ve ever met, yet you get a feeling that there is something not quite right about his/her passion – you’re probably right. Sexual Performers are people who want to get close to others, but tend to be so anxious about intimacy that they often scare others away.

Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Sexual Performer you get the feeling they are putting on a show; they make a lot of noise and they will do this and do that, frequently changing positions and telling you over and over how fabulous it is. They’ll even insist sex is better in front of a mirror because they want to watch themselves perform. Their “pleasure” seems so exaggerated that you are not sure whether it is sex or their performance that they like so much. You are left feeling used, mistrustful and even resentful.

7. The Sexual Idealist

Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Idealist is sensitive, powerful and very intelligent. They are usually spiritual and philosophical, and are passionate about the protection of the environment, cruelty against animals and world poverty. They desperately want fairness and goodness for everyone and in everything because their past experiences have been the opposite. They may be children of divorced or emotionally isolated and dissociated parents, were adopted or lived with parents who were kept busy working. Because they have been abandoned again and again they may be deluded that their work, relationships and life are perfect and are afraid to look at life honestly because they fear that their positive outlook may collapse.

Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Sexual Idealist be prepared to enjoy it not once but twice: first when you hear the great and wonderful benefits of sex and again after when you hear a recounting of the just concluded magical experience. He/she will tell you how sex with you is much better than all the ones he/she’s had all his/her life and what a wonderful lover you are. You find yourself pressured to perform to similar or higher standards, just to keep up. But their “ideal” world leaves you feeling inadequate, not loved for yourself and mistrustful of their claims.

8. The Sexual Pleaser

Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Pleaser is usually sweet, cheerful, enthusiastic and nice to everyone. They have a tendency to confuse love with pity, and a tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue. They are overly dependent on the approval of members of their family, spouse, friends, colleagues and even strangers. They will go to any lengths and overboard to please and when they do they will stand there silently with a “so?” look on their face. They can easily be manipulated because Sexual Pleasers have a hard time saying “no’ to requests outside and inside of the bedroom.

Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Sexual Pleaser, you will feel wonderful – at first – because they come across as the super lover. They ask “Do you like this or Am I pleasing you?” They even go to the lengths of apologizing if you say you did not like that. After a while you start feeling selfish and guilty. You sense their desperation and need to please and feel obligated to him/her but at the same time feel controlled by their neediness.

9. The Sexual Corpse

Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Corpse is an expert at repressing his/her feelings. They appear cool, calm and collected on the outside but deep inside they are anxious, worried, and fearful. Many have suffered a lot of hurt, pain, frustration and have been abused as children or by their sexual partners. They often find it difficult to trust others and to self-disclose. They don’t easily forgive and never forget. Even if they openly don’t say it you get the feeling talking to them that they are so angry at the opposite sex.

Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Sexual Corpse, their idea of sex is you playing “sex psychic”. They never show emotion or say a word before, during or after sex. Its up to you to guess how they are feeling or if they like sex with you. Its up to you to figure out what they want – or if they even like you. If you ask them if they like something the best they can come up with is ‘Its fine”. You are left inadequate, frustrated and even angry at them.

10. The Sexual Tease

Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Tease is the kind of man or woman who looks at your partner and makes them wish they were single. They just love to advertise how “super-sexy” they – they dress and walk the part. Their whole idea of life is superficiality – clothes, status etc., and have a habit of name-dropping or mentioning their connections to famous, rich and powerful people. They are very competitive with members of the same sex and are usually very jealous and possessive people. The Sexual Tease also has problems opening up and making commitments to another person.

Inside the bedroom: Forget the bedroom – a Sexual Tease comes on very strong and aggressive, turning you on and driving you crazy with his/her act. But as soon as there is a possibility that sex might actually take place, the sexy, hot and wild image disappears. They start giving excuses or find something else to do – so that they can tease you some more. And if you actually manage to have sex with this character – you will be very disappointed. A Sexual Tease is turned on by the idea of being wild and sexy but not by the actual act of sex itself. You find yourself feeling humiliated, used, manipulated and angry.

Conclusion: I believe that there is no “right” or “wrong” way of making love. Sex is “good” when it makes both of your feel good about yourselves and about the relationship and it is ‘bad” when it leaves you unhappy and adds to your negative feelings about yourself, your partner or about relationships. The good news is that there is something you can always do to become the lover you are capable of being (listed on my website are some of the things you can immediately do). The Super Lover is in everyone of us. What you need first and foremost is deep insights into the unique, creative and ultimately mysterious being you are. Second you need an intuitive understanding of the intricate dynamics of man-woman energies. Learning specific techniques is NOT enough, you need to know the interplay between the sexes that is sufficient to evoke a deep connection and smoldering passion.